GazettE's Advice
by Alixtair
Summary: The Cast of Kingdom Hearts get to work on an advice column in the local GazettE. Send in your problems and have the Cast of Kingdom Hearts solve them for you in their own 'Creative' ways.
1. I Axel Larxene Namine Roxas

_**GazettE's Advice**_

**(A/N) So basically, the Cast of Kingdom Hearts are working on an advice column in the local GazettE, now lets see what questions other users have submitted, and what kind of chaos results. (Some of the questions are original)  
**

**Plus, I do not own Kingdom Hearts and all the rest of that stuff.**

**I. Axel, Larxene, Namine, Roxas**

"How the hell are we supposed to work in a place like this?!" Larxene screeched, looking around at the cramped room. Papers and confetti littered the room, not to mention the dust.

"It's not that bad....." Namine said, putting her bag on a seemingly-stable table. Not. The table collapsed under the weight of her bag.

Larxene looked over at her, smirking. "Still think so?"

Namine picked up her bag again, and chose a desk to work at.

"Shut up, Larxene." Axel said, entering the room. "No one gives a damn about what you want. Got it memorized?"

Larxene growled, but didn't respond.

Roxas shook his head and took the desk on the right. "Chill, guys. We have 1 hour to give advice. Then we get paid."

"Pfft." Axel took a seat next to Roxas. "You need to learn to live a little Roxas. You only get to live once."

Roxas waved his hands dismissively.

Larxene snickered, "Awwwww, isn't that adorable?" Larxene went to the left of the room and sat by Namine. _'Okay first question...........'_

-~-

"Ahahahahaha!" Larxene screeched even louder, making the other three Nobodies turn to look at her. "Hey, Axel!" She called, "I think this question is better suited for you!"

Axel cocked his head to the side, wondering what she could be talking about. He walked towards her to read the letter.

-

_Dear Savage-Static,_

_I think I might be gay. I have a crush on my best friend, but he has a girlfriend. What do you think I should do._

_ Signed,_

_ Rainbow's Man, Y'know? _**(Diance)**

-~-

'The hell?!" Axel yelled, slamming Larxene's monitor. "Why would this question be suited for me?!"

Namine and Roxas looked at each other, wondering what everything was about.

"Well," Larxene began, "You and Roxas are bed-buddies, right? You should know how to handle a question like this."

"What?!" Axel exploded. Roxas blushed and looked away. "We are NOT bed buddies, just friends!"

"Whatever you say........AKU-ROKU......" Larxene laughed again as Axel headed back to his work.

'_Okay........'_ Larxene thought, _to answer the question........_

-~-

_Dear Rainbow's Man, Y'know?,_

_There is nothing wrong with being gay. You need to learn to embrace your new sexuality and your new future-boyfriend. So what if he has a girl? I say, go up to that fag-hag, and beat the shit out of her. You go up to them and you win your man back! Amen. Trust me on this. I know a few guys like you..........._

_ Signed,_

_ Savage-Static  
_

Larxene looked over at Axel and snickered one last time.

-~-

_Dear Evil Angel,_

_I__s it possible to get pregnant if your doing it in a pool or a hot tub?_

_ Signed,_

_ Hot and Horny  
_

-~-

"Oh dear........" Namine gasped, reading the question assigned to her. "Ummm.....uh......." Namine, being the innocent Angel that she is, could never possibly answer a dirty question like this, so she decided to ask her friend. "Um, Roxas?"

"Yeah? What is it?" Roxas replied, looking at her.

"Can you help me with this question?"

Roxas shrugged. "Sure, why not." Roxas walked over to Namine, and read the question to himself, his face getting hotter and hotter after every word. "Ummm, Namine.......What makes you think I would know a thing like that?"

Namine gulped, "Well, it's just, I've never done anything like this before so I wouldn't know-"

"And what makes you think I would know a thing like this?" Roxas asked.

Namine looked past Roxas to see Axel messing with his hair. "Uhhh, no reason.........."

-~-

_Dear Hot and Horny,_

_I'm not entirely sure, but you can never be too careful. I guess hot water or the chemicals would kill any stray sperms............But you should consult a doctor about this question....._

_ Signed,_

_ Evil Angel  
_

_-~-_

"What are you staring at?" Axel asked, as Roxas returned to his seat.

"N-Nothing......." Roxas replied, looking away.

"Pfft. Whatever." '_Now, next question.........'_

-~-

_Dear Fresh 'n Flames_

_I'm 16, have a baby, and I don't know who's the father. Is it my current boyfriend, or my ex with whom I slept with around the time I got pregnant? Please help, I don't know what to do......_

_ Signed,_

_ Don't Know Who's Da Bby Fa'da _**(Diance)**

_-~-_

Axel laughed at the stupidity of the question, but continued to answer it.

-~-

_Dear Don't know Who's Da Bby Fa'da,_

_My first advice to you, take some classes on how to keep your legs together. Second advice, we have this great invention called a CON-DOM. You can get it at a store for 3 bucks, you can't miss it. Great stuff. Okay, onto the big dogs. In New York, there is a show called Maury Show. You and the two guys go there, take a blood test, and make sure one of them is ready to hear "You are NOT the father!"_

_ Signed,_

_ Fresh 'n Flames  
_

_-~-_

Axel read over what he wrote, satisfied at his awesome advice giving skills.

"You can't tell her _that_!" Roxas exclaimed, pushing Axel's head out of the way.

"Course I can." Axel said, pushing Roxas back. "My question, my advice. Plus, you and your young mind can never comprehend the melancholy of my beautiful advice giving." Axel had sparkles in his eyes as he explained to Roxas the true power of his '_useful_' advice.

-~-

_Dear 13__th__ Mystery,_

_I want to ask this girl out, but I don't know how. We hang out a lot, but.......I don't know how to act right around her._

_Signed,_

_Desperaux_

_-~-_

"Watch and learn." Roxas said to Axel, cracking his knuckles.

Roxas smirked. "Tsk. I'll enjoy watching you crash and burn, buuuuddy.

-~-

_Dear Desperaux,_

_I suggest asking her to hangout alone with you. Then offer her something like ice-cream. I suggest sea-salt flavor. Maybe a drink? Just try not to act like a buffoon._

_ Signed,_

_ 13th Mystery  
_

_-~-_

"See that? That is true genius advice giving." said Roxas, proud.

Axel was about to reply when Larxene spoke up, "Hey, you fucking pansies! You sissies done arguing? Cause we're leaving."

-~-

So with that, Namine and Larxene left to go hang out somewhere together, while Axel and Roxas headed home.

2 weeks later

-~-

"Ah." Larxene sighed, stretching.

"Your happy today." Namine said, ordering them both an iced-latte.

"I don't know, I just feel so good about the advice I've been giving to helpless people."

Just then, a big guy wearing an orange shirt and sideburns walked in and approached a couple. The couple consisted of a blonde guy wearing a beanie and muscle shirt while the girl had short silver hair covering one of her eyes.

"Rai? What the hell are you doing here?" The blonde guy said.

"Seifer! I'm here to win you back man! Y'know?!" The big guy, Rai, said.

"Back? Back from who?!" The blonde guy, Seifer, demanded.

"From this fag-hag, y'know?!" Rai said, lifting up the girl so now he was holding her above his head.

"Down. Down!" The girl tried to keep her cool, but it was kinda obvious she was terrified.

Rai threw her over the counter and the girl hit the snow cone machine. Suddenly, the frosty the snowman theme song started to play. Rai then proceeded to pick up Seifer.

"Put me down! Put me down NOW!" Seifer demanded.

Rai just ran out the the cafe carrying Seifer over his shoulder. "Amen! Y'know?!"

-~-

"Coincidence." Larxene stated leaving the cafe. "I doubt that guy was _Rainbow's Man_. It was all a big coincidence."

Namine waved her hands around mystifyingly, "There is no such thing as coincidence, only hitsuzen....."

While walking, they noticed a little girl playing with a ball. Larxene, being an evil bitch, took the ball and threw it over a house and into someone's yard. Larxene laughed and walked away as the little girl began to cry. Namine, being the kind-'hearted' girl that she is, decided to retrieve it for the little girl. Climbing up the side of the house and onto the roof, she managed to get the ball, but heard some moaning sounds coming from the yard. Being the ever-so-curious girl that she is, decided to see what was the cause of that weird sound.

"Are you sure it's safe to be doing this?" Said a red haired girl in the pool, naked.

"Of course it is, Kairi. A very qualified person gave me the advice that it was okay." Said a silver-haired man, also naked.

-~-

"Why is your face red?" Larxene asked.

"I guess there are some things really are better left unseen..."

-~-

"Stop flipping through the channels!" Roxas said, irritated.

"Fine. I'll stop at the next channel." Replied Axel. He decided he wanted to see what was on channel 8.

-~-

_"I'm soooo sorry!" A girl was crying. "I didn't mean to....."_

_"How could you?! I trusted you Selphie!" Said a guy holding a red stick. In the room, there was a guy with orange hair holding a beach ball._

_"Tidus....." Said an old man, "You ARE the fat-"_

-~-

"Boring." Said Axel flipping off the TV. "Lets go out."

-~-

So, Roxas and Axel are walking down Market Square, talking about there skills as advice givers. "You know Roxas, the name you chose was pretty lame. I mean seriously, '13th Mystery'? Can you _be _anymore obvious?"

Roxas blushed. "Yeah? Well-"

Suddenly, a girl with black hair and a headband jumped out in front of them. She was covered in something blue, and had a giant shuriken in her hands. "You're 13th Mystery?!" She yelled. "You're the reason my Leon dumped ice-cream on me?!" Before Roxas could reply, the girl punched him the the left eye. "Bastard!" Then she punched him in the right eye. "Dumbass!" Then she ran off, leaving a Roxas standing there, shedding tears of pain.

"Axel? Do I still look good? Is my face still pretty?"

"Of course it is Roxas. You look like a million bucks."

"Really ^-^?"

"No."

"T^T"

-~-

**Glad you all liked it. Plz review T^T. DO EET! DO EET OR I EET YOU!**

**Oh, and it would be great if you sent in a possible problem. Next week, The people who are going to be answering the questions are Demyx.......and I need some other ppl, but I can't think of who. Who do y'all think I should use?**

**Anyways, I digress, I would like to thank Diance and Halfdemon-Kai for sending in questions and chatting with me. You should also try checkig out some of there stories. They are great.  
**


	2. II Demyx and Zexion

_**GazettE's Advice**_

**(A/N) This chapter is kinda Zemyx centered so....I'm not good at Yaoi so sorry if it sucks.**

**Plus, I do not own Kingdom Hearts and all the rest of that stuff.**

**II. Demyx and Zexion**

"Wow!" Exclaimed Demyx walking into his new office, "This place is-! Is.....this place is a dump...." He said walking around. Paper littered the floors, but at least there were less confetti lying around. Actually, that should be a bad thing. Demyx loved playing with confetti ^-^.

Zexion slid a gloved hand over his 'new' desk, the dust eminent. "Hn." was his reply. "It reeks in here." He commented, covering his nose with his other hand.

"Yes" Agreed Demyx, "But at least we get to do this together." He said happily, latching onto Zexion's arm.

"Oh joy." Zexion said rolling his eye(s). "Look at me, I'm bursting with joy, happy happy joy joy. Woo hoo..." Zexion glanced over at Demyx. "Happy now?"

"Yeah :3!" Demyx jumped up and back over to his own seat. _'Now.....first question'_

_-_

_Dear Aquatic Harmony,_

_Last week my dog ran away and nobody has seen him around. I don't want to give into the feeling that he got hit by a car... Should I give up looking for him?" _

_Signed, _

_King of Hopelessness _**(Halfdemon-Kai)**

-

"Awwwww!" Demyx cried out, causing Zexion to look over at him.

"What happened?!" Zexion was about to pull out his Lexicon to defend whatever evil Demyx had detected.

"The doggy! It ran, ran away!"

Realizing the utter stupidity of what the Melodious Nocturne had just said, Zexion shook his head and muttered 'buffoon' under his breathe.

-

_Dear King of Hopelessness,_

_Sorry to hear about your little doggy, but I'm sure it's still very lively. Ooh, I made a rhymey :3! There it is again! Tee Hee. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting off topic! Don't be mad._

_Well, what I would do is get a plate of food and leave it outside your house. I'm sure if you do that and wait, your little doggy friend would come back. And if it doesn't, you can always be happy that the traitor was silenced....uhh....forget that last part ^-^._

_Signed,_

_Aquatic Harmony_

_-_

While Demyx was all happy answering questions with his 'genius', Zexion was dreading this job. He let out a deep sigh and went on to the first question in the stack.

-

_Dear Schemer's Mirage_

_I'm a guy, formerly gay, and have just recently broke up with my old boyfriend. Now, listening to the people around me, I have turned straight and is dating the 'hottest' girl around. Yeah, I guess I 'like' her, but I don't love her. I miss my old boyfriend. I feel that he really....completed me.... Now I have absolutely no idea what to do. Should I stick my my new girl, or go back to my old boy?_

_Signed,_

_Formerly Horny_

-

_'Greeeeat'._ Zexion thought to himself. He wasn't good at romantic type of things. Of course, Zexion could really relate to this guy who decided to call himself 'Formerly Horny'. Zexion himself was a gay-in-the-closet. Taking a quick glance at the blue-eyed blonde sitting right over there, Zexion quickly turned away, a crimson blush evident on his cheeks.

"Hey, Zexy?" Demyx asked. His voice made Zexion melt on the inside. "Are you okay? You look kinda sick."

"No. I'm-I'm fine...." Zexion managed to breathe out , getting back to the question at hand.

-

_Dear Formerly Horny,_

_First, I don't think you should've broken up with the first guy if he meant so much to you. Forget what people to you. It's your life, live it the way you want it. Second, I think you should get the guy and girl together and tell them both how you really feel. I'm sure your -ex would be happy to take you back. Your new girl, she might be a little pissed that you chose a guy over her but she'll just need to get over it. Hope I helped._

_Signed,_

_Schemer's Mirage_

_-_

So after their hour on the clock was up, Demyx and Zexion received their pays and were about to head their separate ways when Zexion decided to pipe up and say, "Uh, Demyx?"

"Huh?" He replied. "What is it Zexy?"

Suppressing another blush, Zexion mustered up the courage to ask, "Would you like to hangout this weekend?"

With a giggle, Demyx replied "Sure!"

-

_**Fast Forward To The Weekend**_

So here they were, the happy duo hanging out at the hottest Cafe in town. 'Cafe Lolita' it was called. A lot of things happened here. A lot of things......

"WHAT?!" A girl screeched in the corner of the Cafe. Everyone turned to stare at her. She was pretty, with her auburn-red hair and pink dress, she was pretty cute. At her table was two other guys. A silver haired man and a brunette boy. "You're breaking up with me for...for..for THIS?!" She asked the silver guy, referring to the brunette with disgust.

The brunette seemed heartbroken by this comment, "Kairi. How could you? I thought we were friends..."

She scoffed. "I thought so too. That was before you tried to steal my boyfriend from me, Sora."

"Steal?!" Sora got offended. "Oh no you didn't, bitch." He stood up and walked over to her side, "First of all, Riku _begged _me to come here. Second, he wouldn't have done that if you could pleasure him better. Oh, what now, BIATCH?!"

Kairi didn't even have to say anything. She picked up her steaming latte and flung it at Sora. He ducked and it ended up hitting Riku in the face.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" He took his iced latte and threw it at Kairi, but missed and hit someone behind her.

Suddenly, lattes, cappuccinos, frapachinos, biscuits, and other Cafe foods/drinks were being thrown around.

A bread stick hit Zexion in the face and got stuck in his hair. "Yeah I....I think deserved that one." he picked it out of his bluish-purple hair only to get hit in the face with a double green mint latte. "Okay, now I don't think I deserved that one....."

_**THE END?**_

Somewhere off at Disney castle, King Mickey was preparing a steak for his beloved dog friend, Pluto.

"Do you think this is going to work, your Highness?" Asked Queen Mickey.

"Of course it is!" Replied King Mickey. "It has to! This magazine said so!" Placing the steak at the front of the doorsteps, King Mickey waited. And waited. And wa-WAIT! Somethings coming this way, cane it be?.....Yes! It's Pluto! Pluto's running straight into the outstretched arms of his former master with love in his ey- OOPS. False alarm. Pluto was just running for the food. My mistake.

* * *

**Okay, so that was my pathetic excuse for a Yaoi themed chapter thing.**

**Please review?**

**I know people are reading this, I can see the hits!**

**And I quote from my friend, Halfdemon-Kai, "**I know it gets bothersome when people don't really review because all you can think is. "I KNOW YOU'RE ALL THERE!" because you can see the hits. *shakes fist at some readers*"

**If you review my stories, I will most likely do the same for you.**

**Well anyways, glad you liked my story.**

**See you next time. (Still need more problems so they can give advice to!)**


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